


caught up in your heartstrings

by pendules



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Awkwardness, Confessions, Crack, First Time, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 07:28:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4513161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Ronan is very distracting, Gansey is an oblivious idiot, and Adam is not freaking out <i>at all</i>. (Bonus: Blue abiding no bullshit and Noah being all-knowing.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	caught up in your heartstrings

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by all the text posts about Ronan and Adam trying to tell Gansey and Gansey being oblivious. This was supposed to be pure crack but then I remembered that they all live under the shadow of Gansey's death and so true crack is not possible. Thanks, Maggie.

Sometimes, Adam wonders how his life is even real. And not at the moments you might expect. Because he's gotten used to being tied to a magical, sentient forest and the idea that someone can take objects out of dreams and that curses are probably real and that people who've been dead for seven years can show up at any time to read his thoughts or throw glitter at him or both at the same time.

But then there's this: he and Ronan eating breakfast the morning after and casually discussing what they're going to tell Gansey while Adam tries his hardest to not think about the fact that a few hours ago he had Ronan's dick in his mouth. And that it's probably going to happen again. And that he probably wants it to happen many, many more times.

Ronan's still not wearing a shirt. It's distracting.

"What?" he asks blankly.

"I said, _you_ should probably tell him."

"Why _me_?"

"Because you know I'm shit at actually talking about things."

Adam wants to remind him that technically, they _haven't_ talked about it. Maybe he wants to. Or maybe he doesn't want to think about it at all.

"Why do we have to tell him at all?" Adam asks, stubbornly.

"Because."

"Because _what_?"

"Because it's _Gansey_." 

Adam knows he's probably right but he's also mildly annoyed in spite of himself. This isn't about _him_ ; maybe they're both here because of him, but they don't belong to him, and this definitely doesn't. Whatever this is. They don't owe him anything.

"Yeah, okay, I'll talk to him." 

"Good," Ronan says, looking pleased. Adam wants to kiss him so bad. And he _can_ if he wants to. His life is fucking insane.

"You should put a shirt on if you want to ever leave this apartment again. I'm just saying," Adam says, getting up and kissing Ronan's cheek before grabbing his jacket and car keys.

"Don't objectify me, babe," Ronan says, smiling sweetly at him as he opens the door.

Adam closes the door behind him and instead of freaking the fuck out like he expected, he just feels deep, pure contentment flooding through him.

*

Maybe it's a good thing. Because he needs to know he's not going crazy. Because he needs to tell _someone_. And he's not sure that he and Blue are completely out of that awkward place yet. And Noah would know without him saying anything, and that wouldn't be cathartic or whatever. Maybe he could walk up to a random stranger on the street and say, "I slept with Ronan Lynch and I'm not freaking out _at all_." Maybe he _is_ going crazy.

Gansey's the best bet anyway. Because he's good at this sort of thing. At putting people at ease. Except it's _Ronan_. It's _him and Ronan_. And maybe it's _too_ weird for even _Gansey_ to not be weird about it.

Gansey obviously has been up all night and he's hopped-up on caffeine and he probably didn't even notice that Ronan never came home and he's the worst possible candidate to tell possibly earth-shattering news to at this exact moment.

He watches him glue a roof onto a bank and says, "I need to tell you something. Important. Something important."

Maybe they should've gone with Ronan's original idea to just send him a dirty picture captioned _SURPRISE BITCH._

"Um, so, Ronan and I — we, uh —"

"I know," Gansey says, adjusting his glasses on his nose but still inspecting his work and not looking at him.

"You — what?"

"I know you two and Mr. Gray came up with some distasteful plan to drive Greenmantle out of town."

"Oh, yeah, right… We did." Adam has no idea what's even happening right now.

"You should've told me."

"Uh, yeah, we should've… Sorry. I guess."

"It's okay. I mean it."

"Really?" It feels like the appropriate response to that.

"Yeah, I can't ask you to tell me everything. I understand why you did it. And it was up to Ronan anyway."

Gansey's giving him his earnest look now. Like they're men and equals and like he respects their decision and there's no version of this conversation that ends with _So, I sucked Ronan's dick. And I liked it. Bye._

"Okay, then," Adam says, cautiously.

"So, let me tell you what I found out last night about Glendower and his magicians…"

*

"I didn't tell him. It was too weird. He started going on about the magical healing power of friendship and the integrity of the quest and I couldn't do it." Adam throws himself onto his bed next to Ronan, frustrated.

"You smell nice," he says pressing his nose into Ronan's shoulder, consciously seeking a distraction. He's wearing one of Adam's threadbare white t-shirts and it's doing funny things to his stomach. His hands find their way under the hem of it, brushing his warm skin.

Ronan runs his fingers into Adam's hair, and says, "You know, you're really handsy."

"Shut up," Adam says, pinching his hip. And then everywhere else he can reach.

"Ouch. _God_ ," Ronan says, grabbing his wrists and pulling him down on top of him and distracting him quite successfully with his tongue. Adam decides he likes this _way_ more than talking.

*

He calls Blue and asks if she wants company walking dogs while Ronan's at church.

It's way too easy to spill his guts to her, leaving out the potentially scarring bits. If he wasn't sure before, he definitely knows they're okay now.

"Gansey's an oblivious idiot," she agrees.

"Right?"

"You should just tell him. Rip the band aid off."

"You don't seem weirded out by this at all," Adam says, bewildered.

"Have you met me?"

"Point."

"Anyway, I thought _you_ would be freaking out," she says.

"I am. But on the inside."

"What's inside usually finds its way out eventually, though." She gives him a significant look, like she knows that he knows that too well.

"I'm trying to not think about it, you know? The _why_ s and the _how_ s. Just letting it be."

"And you're _terrible_ at that."

"Exactly."

"You should talk to him. Not Gansey, I mean — He's probably freaking out too, but in like a shithead, Ronan kind of way."

"Thanks, Blue." He means it.

*

Ronan picks him up at Blue's and takes him to the Barns but not before Blue yells that she'll kick his ass if he does anything remotely dickish and Ronan flips her off with a smile.

"What did you mean before?" Adam asks.

"About what?"

Adam wants to hold his hand on the gearshift. Fuck, maybe he's right. He doesn't ever want to stop touching him.

"About being shit at talking."

"I just — When you start asking for things, everything gets fucked up." He says it like he's sorry.

"What do you want?"

"Things I can't ask you for."

"Can't or _won't_?"

" _Can't_ ," Ronan says, clipped.

Adam sighs. "I want things from you too, you know."

"Like?"

"Like I want you to _look_ at me."

Ronan laughs. "I look at you all the time. It's kind of a problem."

"No, I want — I want you to look at me like you're not scared I'm going to leave."

"You do the same thing too," Ronan reminds him.

"I know. I guess we have to work on it."

"Yeah," Ronan says.

He lets himself reach out and take his hand.

*

Ronan goes back to Monmouth because he hasn't actually been back in a couple days and Gansey's definitely noticed by now. Text messages that just say "i'm alive" aren't going to cut it forever.

Adam's feeling bizarrely lonely.

His bed's too empty.

He gets up and goes to the bathroom. Stares at himself in the mirror. And then he has a fucking heart attack when Noah appears behind him.

"Jesus Christ, do ghosts lose the ability to knock?"

"I really should probably learn that for the next time Ronan's here," Noah says, thoughtfully.

"Fuck off."

Noah follows him back outside and sits on his bed.

"You should call him," he says, cryptically.

"Stop doing that."

"He wants you to."

"Seriously. _Stop_."

He wonders if Ronan blurted it out to Gansey over orange juice or midnight heart-to-hearts or whatever they get up to. He doesn't like the idea of him finding out when he's not there, though.

"He didn't," Noah says.

"You can't possibly know that."

"He knows you want to be the one to tell him. He wouldn't."

"I don't know why I can't just pick up the phone and — It used to be easier than this. We used to talk about _everything_."

"It's different now, though."

"Why? Because of Cabeswater? Because of _Ronan_?" Because he has things for himself now. Things outside of Gansey. And a part of him thinks maybe they can never quite get back what they used to have. A different part of him feels ashamed for his guilt.

"No, because _you're_ different," Noah says. "Because you think you're going to lose him."

He _is_ going to lose him, though. And Ronan at the same time, probably.

It makes him feel sick when he thinks about it, like he doesn't deserve this, doesn't deserve to have Ronan in his bed or to miss him when he's not. Doesn't deserve the way he looks at him, like he knows he's going to break his heart but he still can't tear his eyes away.

God, he doesn't want to. He wants to be worthy of that look. He wants to save all of them.

"Good luck," Noah says before flickering out.

*

Gansey calls him in the morning and tells him that they're all hanging out at Monmouth after he and Blue finish work.

"Yeah, okay, that's fine…"

"Adam? Are you okay?" He sounds actually concerned and Adam hates all the secrets inside of his own head more than he ever has.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just — Is Ronan still there?"

"Yeah. Why?" Gansey sounds surprised now.

"No reason, I just — I wondered if he'd maybe mentioned what we were up to these last few days."

"No, not really. I just assumed you're still trying to wake all the sleepers."

"Yeah. That. I mean, we're still trying. _Yes_."

"You're sure nothing's wrong?" Gansey says, in his soft, soothing voice.

"Yeah, everything's fine."

"Okay, then. I'll see you at school."

*

He sneaks into Ronan's room before Gansey can catch sight of him.

"I thought you would've told him." He doesn't know if it comes out disappointed or relieved.

"I wanted to, but I know you would've been mad."

"Why would I be mad? It's not a big deal," Adam says, definitely not sounding slightly hysterical.

"It's not? Why haven't you told him yet, then?" 

"Because I don't know how to explain it." If Adam doesn't understand it yet, how can anyone else?

"You told Blue."

"That's different."

"Why?" Ronan asks, genuinely confused.

"Because it's _Gansey_."

"It's not going to change anything."

"No, it's going to change _everything_ ," Adam bursts out.

"Is that what you're afraid of?"

"I'm not — I just need to know this is _real_."

Ronan just looks at him strangely. "You really don't know, do you?"

"I don't know what?" 

"What it does to me when you touch me," Ronan says quietly, moving closer to him.

Ronan takes one of Adam's hands and rests it against his throat. Ronan's always warm to the touch but his skin's _burning_ now, his pulse jumping against Adam's fingers. He licks his lips, and Adam feels him swallow. His eyes are still locked on Adam's, not a hint of fear in them, and he feels the heat moving over his own body.

He moves his hand down to his chest, and they're both breathing rapidly now. This is what it feels like after they survive one of Ronan's stupid stunts, bruised but intact: like every part of him is working on overdrive, like he's free and alive, like nothing else matters but the euphoria coursing through him.

He moves it lower and Adam skims his fingertips over his stomach and feels the resulting shiver of anticipation through his thin shirt.

He moves it lower still.

"Ronan?" Gansey's voice calls from outside. "I thought I heard Adam's car?"

"Yeah, he's in here," Ronan says before Adam can find an effective way of shutting him up. His hand's still trapped between Ronan's and the slightly strained denim of his jeans.

"Why?" Gansey asks.

"No reason at all," Ronan says with a truly impressive shit-eating grin.

*

Blue brings pizza and some weird tea that she says is good for anxiety or some crap like that. Adam doesn't actually believe it, but takes a sip just the same. Ronan does too, oddly enough.

They're halfway through the movie and Adam's feeling almost unnaturally relaxed and clear-headed and then Blue gets this mischievous smile on her face. 

"You know," she says. "I forgot to tell you all that a side-effect of the tea is complete honesty for a few hours after you drink it."

"What?" Gansey says, his scholarly curiosity kicking in, as he stares at his cup. "You mean, this is literally truth tea?"

Adam wants to throw up.

Ronan looks unconcerned.

Adam stares at him and then back at Gansey.

"You know, I should probably go —"

"I'm kidding," Blue says, and she and Noah both crack up. Gansey smiles and takes another sip.

Five seconds of silence pass. 

Then Ronan says, "Adam and I slept together."

Gansey spits out his tea.

*

They're finally alone after all the chaos that had ensued, involving much confusion on Gansey's part and many death threats from Adam to the rest of them.

"You really like Ronan, don't you?" Gansey asks. It's not surprise, just his need to understand.

Adam sighs. It's too complicated to even try to explain.

"You know Ronan, it's all or nothing with him."

"So…"

"So, half the time I want to deck him. And the other half —" He tilts his face away to hide his obvious blush.

"Just hang a sock on the door, please."

Adam groans, because this is his life now.

"It's not too weird, is it?"

"It only is if you let it be." Gansey shrugs.

"I do," he admits, mostly to himself. "I really like him."

"Good. I think you're good for each other."

"When we're not trying to murder each other?"

"No, just, in general."

_Will we be good for each other after, though?_

"I want him to be happy," he says quietly. It's all he's been thinking, the last couple days, how to keep Ronan smiling like that.

"He is. It's — He's _different_ these days."

"Yeah?" Adam asks, feeling choked up suddenly.

"Yeah," Gansey says, nodding.

"Okay."

*

"Hey," Adam says, quietly letting himself into his room, closing the door behind him.

Ronan takes his headphones off, sits up to look at him.

"All good?" he asks, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, I think so."

Ronan keeps looking at him expectantly, so he kicks his shoes off and yanks his jeans down his legs and steps out of them, totally unselfconscious. 

He gently shoves Ronan back down onto the bed so he can slide his pants off too.

Ronan pulls the covers over both of them and Adam wraps his arms around his waist and fits them as close as they can get to each other.

When he kisses him, he tastes like toothpaste and home.

He closes his eyes and it feels like he's been missing something or longing for something his whole life until now.

"You make me happy too," Adam says into the crook of his neck.

He knows Ronan's smiling. He can feel it in his steady, sure heartbeat and his warm skin and his strong arms around him.

He's never letting go.

**Author's Note:**

> There's a bit in this based on [this text post](http://ihadaneel.tumblr.com/post/123343241797/sometimes-i-like-to-imagine-gansey-and-ronan). Also, someone please write [actual truth tea fic](http://bloodravenking.tumblr.com/post/125974868339/so-imagine-the-raven-squad-accidentally-drinking) for me, thanks.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [caught up in your heartstrings by pendules [podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10740834) by [illutu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/illutu/pseuds/illutu), [Rhea314 (Rhea)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhea/pseuds/Rhea314)




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